Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
