The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
