Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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