Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
