I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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