Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
