I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
