Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
