He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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