This is not my ceiling
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
