the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
