so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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