I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
