Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
