Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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