Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
