Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
zippers are such a cool invention
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
