my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
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