Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
