he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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