I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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