So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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