Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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