Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
