That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
my shit smells like andre
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
