Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
