I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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