sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
