I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
