That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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