Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
