You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
