I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
