Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Randomize
