flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
