another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
