you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
