So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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