im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
