dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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