Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
