I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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