There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
