If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
