'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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