dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
