When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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