Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
