Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
We had sex on a dog bed..
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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