that's an acceptable place to lick
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
