Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
