Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Randomize
