I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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