Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
