My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
